Reality has set in

My morning glories. I swear I just planted them like last week and already they are blooming. All that hot weather we've having is making everything want to bloom awful fast.

I don't know what this flower is called, but I really like them. They are blooming in the back of the shed.

My other morning glory. So glad I got this dark color instead of the light blue ones. Not that I don't like the blue ones, but the darker ones aren't as common.

Well the reality has set in that I'm probably not going to get to see my mom this month. I just got an appt with the ENT for the 16th, that's still 2 weeks away and I'm not comfortable going to see my parents with my throat problem. Vacation starts next Friday and I'll be home dealing with this instead. I'm really upset but I guess this is more important right now. I've been calling mom a few times a week anyway.

I haven't told her I'm probably not going to make it down there. I'm not sure if I should tell her the truth. Don't think she needs the stress of this, but I don't know what excuse to give her either.

She seems to be recovering from surgery well. She told me the other day she went outside and took a walk around the house. It's the first time she's been outside since her surgery. My aunt leaves tomorrow so maybe early next week I'll talk to my aunt and get my aunts opinion of what to tell mom as to why I can't come.

Today just seemed to go so fast for some reason. Even the night is flying by. Work went really fast. By the time I got home all I wanted was a nap because I was tired. I was getting hungry so I also had to eat, but didn't really have food that I could eat in the house either. I ended up having a little applesauce, which went down really well. If applesauce goes down well, then other more solid foods will go down well. So, I had oatmeal and one scrambled egg in it. Odd combination, but I really need the protein. For some reason I've been wanting carrots. Don't know why, not really crazy about cooked carrots. Instead dinner was mashed potatoes and the leftover canned chicken. Had to thin the potatoes out a lot, but took it slow. For some reason by the end of the day, my throat is worse. Mornings are the best.

My youngest left yesterday for his camping trip. He's never been camping, outside of the backyard, so this will be a real experience for him, lol. He texted me today as they were leaving. Twenty minutes later he called me and told me they were there. I have no idea where this place is. I've never heard of the town but apparently it's not to far. His friend lives 15 minutes from me.

After I ate I tried to take a nap. Notice I said tried. Just as I was nodding off hubby called me. On my cell thinking I wasn't home. The oldest was whining about wanting to come home and not staying at work. Hubby said it was ok since the other guy wasn't leaving. I told hubby I needed a nap and would get the kid later. Start to nod off again and that's when the youngest called. Finally gave up on sleep and went and did the things I needed to do today.

Today was the last of the nice cooler days. Tomorrow the heat and humidity starts back in. UGH!! Went and bought some feverfew today to plant around the house. I saw someones plants and didn't realize how big and bushie they get. With small flowers. Me and the oldest planted them and a few other plants that were cheap and looked interesting, lol. So now I'm done. At least I think I'm done, lol. I've basically planted another flower bed on the side of the house between where the pine trees end and the garden starts. I think it fills in the area nicely. We put up some lattice because some of the plants are climbers. And the feverfew is on the ends. I'll take pics once the plants start to grow some and bloom. All these plants I got today are grown by a local farm right in my own town. I didn't know that until I looked at one of the sticks that came in the plants. Actually I was looking up the name of this one plant that I bought. All I know is it's a climber with heart shaped leaves. Supposed to bloom purple flowers. I'm waiting for the nursery to put the hen and chicks on sale and then I'll be back to get some of them and start another smaller flower bed with hen and chicks in it. I really like those plants to. Actually I like all plants that will bloom for me, lol. I wish I had the space in my yard, I would take a large section of it and just plant all kinds of flowers so some part of it would always be in bloom all spring and summer long.

I can't believe how late it's gotten. As usual time has gotten away from me!

Well now

Man plans and God laughs.

Well, I certaintally have been keeping him entertained lately. I've already requested my vacation time, starting next week. Seems God has other plans for my vacation.

Both boys have summer jobs, although the youngest job is temporary. I think.

The oldest has a all summer long job. He got the job at the school. Today was his first day and he wasn't happy about it.

As for me, well, went back to the doc today. My throat is a little better, but there are still some foods I just can't swallow without being uncomfortable. She says I need to see an ENT or a GI and get checked. This doesn't come from allergies. So, why didn't she say this before when I first went. So now I'm going to have to deal with this. And probably before I go see mom. Which means I probably won't get to see mom while I'm on vacation. Or maybe, but not for as long as I wanted to go. Or I just might take off with both boys for 3 days and say forget it.

The youngest has to work at the station in the mornings because the one guy who was opening is leaving. Of course there is no replacement for him. This is a holiday weekend coming up and the oldest has to work since the youngest is going camping. Crazy hours for them. And me I get to sit home alone all weekend. Just me and the cat, lol!

Hubby asked me how things went at the docs which was the wrong thing to do. For a man who seems to know my moods so well, he was way off today. I got really irritated with him and let him have it. Said some things I probably should not have said or accused him of, but sometimes it's true. Last thing I wanted to do was spend my vacation having things stuck down my throat, but she scared me into not waiting. When it comes to the doc for myself, I'm like a man. I'll wait and wait until it's almost to late.

The only good news from the doc is that I lost 2.5 lbs. You know how I feel about the scale and personally, I think it's more than that because the clothes that fit comfortably before are now lose. The dress I had bought for graduation I had to put darts in at the top because it was to big and gapping. I see when I look in the mirror where the weight is starting to come off at. You don't notice 2.5 lbs.

Graduation went well and so did the party. We ended up having the party inside because a thunderstorm rolled through as everyone was arriving. It was pouring when everyone came. Rained long enough to decide to go ahead and eat inside. After everyone ate and a few people left the sun came out and it was nice enough to do the cake outside. It was very, very humid outside though. Before the storm it was hot but not to humid. No graduation pics yet because I haven't gotten them off the camera. Need to soon because the youngest is taking the camera with him camping.

Yesterday after work I decided I was going to just spend the money and finish the planting. It wasn't to bad outside. It was warm but there was a rather cool breeze going. But the stinkin himidity was up there! Got everything home and planted and realized I needed more plants, lol. So back to the store in the afternoon. By then though the humidity had lifted and it was nice and cool. Today has been nice and comfortable. In the 70's with low humidity. My kind of weather, lol.

Off to get some pics of my garden before my camera leaves, lol.

This and that

Hot and humid seems to be the norm here lately. My plants are loving it, but I'm not a plant, lol. I wandered into the veggie garden and the zucchini plants already have flowers on them. Soon we'll have zucchini. Hope I'll be able to eat them by then.

Since my throat is still bothering me, I decided to go looking for the Motrin doc told me to take. I basically ignored her because why tell someone to take a pill when they can't swallow well? Anyway, I bought the children's chewable ones. OMG!! Poor kids! That was probably the nastiest tasting thing I've had in a long time. And it made my mouth burn and tongue numb. I was drinking water like crazy. No wonder kids don't want to take that stuff! Since it was a kids dosage, I should have taken two. But didn't. Not after that experience. So, tomorrow when I'm having my oatmeal for breakfast, one of the few things I can actually eat, I'll suffer through taking two of them. At least I'll have food to cover the taste. I do think it helped though. My throat feels less tight. So maybe two will do the trick and I'll be able to eat normal foods again. And I bought the Claritin again. I'll just have to take benadryl at night to sleep. And I bought the smallest pills I could find. What a mess.

The youngest graduates on Saturday and his party is Sunday. Hubby says to buy all the food instead of making it. Fine with me. When you can't eat, food just doesn't appeal to you. Not me anyway. I get hungry, but my appetite is gone. Guess that's not really such a bad thing.

Going to go relax. For some reason my eyes have been burning a lot today. I even went to bed early last night, but as usual I didn't want to get up when the alarm went off.

soupie day

The awards ceremony for the vocational school here was about two weeks ago. The one in the middle (the youngest), with his eyes closed is the one who got the award and is also graduating this week. My oldest is on the right and hubby on the left. It was so cold, damp and rainy that day!

Had to take pics of my calla lilies. These are another of my favorites. I've never grown them before, but the youngest and I bought bulbs for them and they're blooming like crazy. Not so sure I want to plant them outside. These I might leave in the pot and bring inside for the winter. So pretty!

Went to church this morning in all the humidity. If you've been reading me long, you know I don't do the heat. Or humidity. The temp this morning was 81 with humidity at 79%. Church has no a/c either, but they do have two ceiling fans. The one closest to the pulpit is usually on low and the one towards the back, which I sit under, is usually on high. I just need air circulation. Church ran long and by the time I got out of there, I could feel the humidity and was getting uncomfortable. Of course, the morning I want to run right out, I had to stay. We are having a guest pastor next week and when we have a guest we always do a covered dish. Since our church hasn't had a pastor in probably close to 3 years, I know they are considering him as possible an assistant pastor. He recently retired from Pa and has moved to NY to be near his family. Not sure if he's going to want to take on another full time pastoring job, but maybe part time. We'll see what next week brings.

Since he's staying in the parsonage, it has to be cleaned and aired out. There's been no one in there for quite a while. There are some women getting together to clean in the morning on Wednesday. I offered to wash the curtains. I'm thinking I'll take them home and dry them on the line since it's supposed to be warm all week. I just hope the humidity drops, especially for tomorrow. I work in a house that has no open windows, yes on days like this, and certainly no a/c. Not even a fan running. I just might get up early and go early so I can be home before it gets to hot. It's supposed to be 60 over night and I know she will have the heat on in her house. She hasn't turned if off yet.

Hubby went to church with me which was nice. For some reason I kept dropping my Bible on the floor. So embarrassing. You know who did what when you see two peoples heads lean down to pick up the stuff. The second time I dropped it, hubby took it from me, lol. Guess he was tired of bending down. I don't know what my problem was. Hubby has is own Bible written in Punjabi so he can follow along. When we first come in I have to look in the bulletin to see what the passage is and can look it up for him. I'm not so sure he really understands how the Bible's set up just yet.

I'm glad he went because the sermon was on tithing. I've tried explaining this concept to him, but he can't get past the giving of that amount of money. The elder make a reference that if you're gripping your money so hard in your fist, how can you open your hand to receive God's blessings. Hope hubby understood that concept. We've had conversations about this in the past and when I tell hubby how much I take out of my pay and give, the first time he looked like I slapped him. I make a lot less than he does and the bills I'm responsible for are always paid, on time.

Talked to mom today, actually I've been calling almost daily and talking to her. One good thing is she does have a nurse coming in 3 times a week. She was told she had to have that or she couldn't go home. LOL. I know she doesn't like it, but they knew how to get her to cooperate. Her voice does sound stronger. I know she's trying to make it like she's going to recover from this really fast, but I know better. Her age is working against her and it will take her longer, which is fine, as long as she is making progress. My aunt is staying for a week or two, not sure which. My aunt isn't all that well either, but they are company for each other. If my aunt stays for 2 weeks I'll be coming the week after. Mom said my sister wants to come around the time I'm coming and I told her to tell her to come later because I already have off from work and it will be to many people in the house. Truthfully, my sister and I don't get along. We never did. Things have happened between us mom and dad know nothing about, and now's not the time to tell them. My sister also has a drinking problem. My mother doesn't need the stress from that either. If my sister had any common sense she would know that. But, she may not make it there. She was coming to see my mom after she found out about her surgery and still hasn't made it down there. Her husband though, insists my sister stay in touch with her family, especially her parents, because he never had that growing up. I remember him as such a messed up teenager, but underneath all his problems, he has a good heart.

Well, I'm getting tired. Time to relax for a while. Can't believe the weekend is almost over.

News

The good news. Mom came home from the hospital yesterday. When dad went to visit her she was all dressed and ready to go. Talked to her on the phone for a few minutes and she sounds good, but I just have the feeling that she's not as good as she wants everyone to think she is. She did turn down the nurse visits and she doesn't want anyone coming in the house helping her dress, bathe and stuff. I personally, think she should have the nurse come in at least weekly to check her incisions, check her vitals, and make sure everything is ok until she goes back to the surgeon in 2 weeks. But, my aunt is coming on Saturday to stay until I get there in July so hopefully if any problems arise my aunt will talk some sense into my mom.

I've been battling allergies for weeks now. Yesterday, I wasn't bothered by allergies so I didn't take my allergy medicine, at all. What's been happening is my allergies are making my throat swell on the inside. Mornings are usually the best times for me to each solid food, because the swelling is down or completely gone. As the day goes on it varies. Standing under the shower with the water hitting my throat works the best. Compresses are ok, but I just hate the fact that I have to do that so I can actually eat. It's irritating to me. So this morning I wanted to have eggs for breakfast since I don't have to work today and wanted something other than the normal oatmeal. After a few bites of the eggs it just felt like the eggs were laying in my throat. I haven't had much of a problem with food for about a week now. I've been taking my allergy meds daily to, especially at night. No meds last night, problems swallowing today. Problem is, I'm so hungry today. Yogurt, water, juice and broth from soup just isn't cutting it today. I want something solid. I took a piece of bread and put butter on it with my soup thinking if I dipped the bread in the soup it would make it go down easier. Not really. Not yet anyway. I forgot to get my water bottle out of the fridge first thing this morning, so it's been pretty much tea for now. I also can't drink or eat anything really cold. When this first started, I thought of ice cream and frozen water ice. Wrong, wrong, so wrong.

Doc seems to think it's irritation from my allergies, especially since the day after I can't eat, my throat is just sore and hurts. Of course, she gave me something that is non-drowsy for my allergies. I can't take that non-drowsy stuff because I don't want to sleep until the next day. That basically narrows down what I can take. We both have ruled out my allergies be strictly pollen related. I've been using local honey for over a year for that, can smell fragrant flowers and even be outside when the grass is being mowed and no problems. I'm thinking my only option is to take the non-drowsy stuff during the day and then take benadryl at night to sleep. Not that I want to. I have another doc appt for the allergies next week so we'll see what's suggested.

Personally, I'm thinking a trip to the health food store is in order for me. I'll do some research into this and see what I can come up with.

Today is another one of those weird weather days. The temp is about 68, but the humidity is in the 80%'s. Cool, but you sweat if you move around to much. And it's drizzling. Hubby decided today that the garden just had to be planted. Everything. So, all of us were out in the drizzle planting in the garden. Talk about wet and muddy! But, the garden is totally planted. Little do the boys know that weeding the garden is going to be their weekly chore or no computers. I'm irritated that it came to this. The garden should have been done by the beginning of the month. Our growing season really is only 3 months long, and we've wasted 2 weeks of it with the boys messing around and not doing what they are supposed to.

Now that the allergy meds are kicking in, think I'll go have a nap, lol.

Unsettled

Right now I feel so unsettled. I don't want to be home and I don't want to go anywhere, and I certainly don't want to be around anyone. So here I am on the computer.

I called my aunt this morning. She's my moms twin sister. I knew by calling her I would get all the info that my father isn't telling me. I did. I found out that my mom and dad didn't tell anyone about her surgery until after. I was almost sure I had called mom on a Friday, which was the day she would have been to the doc to have the cath done. I knew that was coming sometime in June. She gave no indication. My mom and my aunt talked on Sunday, and she gave no indication to her either. She did apologize to my aunt saying she didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to upset anyone. The only thing I can think of is the reality of this hasn't really hit her yet. Either one of them. Maybe dad, though. I know the reality of this is slowly sinking in for me. I've never been on this end of things. I'm the one who comes in, do what needs to be done, speak optimistially to everyone, and out the door I go onto the next one. Now I'm finally getting to experience what it's like for the families. It's easy to sound encouraging and be encouraging, but it's totally different when it's your own family.

Mom and I haven't always had such a great relationship. We've had our ups and downs. Recently we just started talking again. When she told me about her heart problems. She forgave me and I forgave her. The problem is, I feel so guilty. I haven't forgiven myself. All the past problems seem silly when something like this happens. I'm starting to have a whole new perspective on life in general. Especially how to treat people. It's true, life is short and it's wise to really make the most of the time you have with people, especially your own family.

Dad had told me that mom's heart wasn't beating properly which was why she can't come home yet. I questioned my aunt about that because dad was so vague and she told me that mom's heart was beating to fast. The meds weren't slowing her heart rate down any so they had to shock her heart to slow it down. That was yesterday. All I know from dad is she was totally whipped out from it and wanted to sleep. Instead the nurses got her up for her walk.

I had given dad my cell phone number because he said he couldn't reach me on my home phone. I asked my aunt about that because she had no problem calling me. She seems to think maybe they are a little confused. I don't know. I did ask her when she's there this weekend to call my home phone from dads to see if she can get through. Anyway, I had trouble sleeping last night and I heard my cell phone ringing in the other room. It rang twice. First thing I thought of was something happened to hubby since he wasn't home from work yet. When I checked the number and saw it was unavailable, I immediately thought something happened to mom and dad was calling. I was so upset I actually had an upset stomach. I called hubby at work and he didn't answer. I waited and waited and when he didn't come home, I called again. This time he answered. He wasn't the one who called. My cell never rang again after that. I considered calling dad, but thought better of it. If it was dad he would have left a message or tried again. Maybe that's why today is such an off day. That and the phone call to my aunt. My aunt wants to be there when mom gets home so she's going to stay until I can get there in July. Her plans are to go every weekend until mom gets home. She's bringing a couple of my cousins with her this weekend, so I'm staying put. There will be to many people in the house and to many visitors for mom. She's not allowed to many people at one time just yet, and I'm still not handling this very well yet, so maybe it's best to stay away until she's stronger and I've got a better grip on my emotions. Last thing I want to do is upset her.

I've gotten mom and card and when I talk to dad tonight I'm going to get her info and tomorrow I'll send flowers and a little note. For now I need to read up on this and find out all I can and then look into their ins. I was asking dad questions about what their ins covers and stuff and he's clueless. Well, he's going to have to take a crash course on this and get informed. I will be to. I'm going to have to learn to navigate my way around their county and state and see what I can come up with. Now days you have to inform yourself because not a lot of people are willing to give info unless you ask the questions first.

Unwanted attention

Feeling:
Frustrated
Upset
Sad
Angry
Irritated
Helpless
Overextended

There's a lot going on right now so I thought blogging would help me work through all those feelings I'm having.
First, my mom's been having heart problems. I've been calling on a weekly basis to see how she's doing since they live 7 hours away. Last time I talked to her everything was fine and she was going back to the doc to have the other 20% of her clogged artery taken care of. That was last Friday. Now, I don't remember the day I called but it was sometime between Friday and Sunday. Well, on Tuesday she had open heart surgery. I found out on Sunday when I called this week. What really bothers me because I'm on face book with cousins and not one of them told me. Both my brother and sister know and no one made the effort to contact me. I get smacked between the eyes with it when I finally remember to call before 8 pm. That is a big problem I have. I remember to call, but it's usually after 9 pm when I remember and my parents are usually in bed by then. They would hear from me a lot more if they didn't go to bed so early, lol.
Anyway, moms still in the hospital. She was supposed to come home on Sunday but since her heart isn't beating normally, she has to stay until it does. I know nothing about the heart so I'm so out of my element on this one. I'm assuming they are either regulating her heart meds or trying to wean her off the heart med. I wanted to call her, but with all the monitors she has she can't wear her hearing aid, so she wouldn't be able to hear me on the phone if I called.
I want to go see her, but the problem is finding the time to go. I feel I have to take the boys with me if I go. But, this week the youngest has to go to school for 2 days to take exams so he can graduate. Next week is graduation practice, and graduation. I have tests and doc appts because my allergies are so off the wall and my doc wants to find out just what is causing it. If my allergies were mild, I'd hold off, but they are quite severe to the point of sometimes it's hard to breathe. I've thought of taking about 4 days or so starting this weekend, but things are just so busy. The plan is to go in July after the holiday which I'm still going to do, but just maybe move the date to leave up. Most everything will be done in June which has been the plan all along. I've thought about leaving on Saturday and coming back on Tuesday or Wednesday, but I keep flip flopping about that. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't go just yet. I don't know. Hubby's no help either. He says go this weekend and then go again in July. My living rooms ripped apart. One of those home projects which we thought would be a simple fix, but as we got into it, there's more to it than we originally thought. If I go and take the boys, there goes hubby's helper with the living room. Hubby can't get a day off right now, so he's been getting up earlier than usual and working in the living room and then leaving for work.
I feel bad if I don't go to see mom right now and I feel bad if I do go and leave hubby with everything on his shoulders and the longer I have to put off getting some relief from my allergies. I thought sleeping on it would help, but I still feel the same today as I did yesterday. Except the one thing that keeps going through my mind is if I wait until moms home and settled, things won't be so busy and unsettled and that may be a better time to go. And stay for a while.