Unsettled

Right now I feel so unsettled. I don't want to be home and I don't want to go anywhere, and I certainly don't want to be around anyone. So here I am on the computer.

I called my aunt this morning. She's my moms twin sister. I knew by calling her I would get all the info that my father isn't telling me. I did. I found out that my mom and dad didn't tell anyone about her surgery until after. I was almost sure I had called mom on a Friday, which was the day she would have been to the doc to have the cath done. I knew that was coming sometime in June. She gave no indication. My mom and my aunt talked on Sunday, and she gave no indication to her either. She did apologize to my aunt saying she didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to upset anyone. The only thing I can think of is the reality of this hasn't really hit her yet. Either one of them. Maybe dad, though. I know the reality of this is slowly sinking in for me. I've never been on this end of things. I'm the one who comes in, do what needs to be done, speak optimistially to everyone, and out the door I go onto the next one. Now I'm finally getting to experience what it's like for the families. It's easy to sound encouraging and be encouraging, but it's totally different when it's your own family.

Mom and I haven't always had such a great relationship. We've had our ups and downs. Recently we just started talking again. When she told me about her heart problems. She forgave me and I forgave her. The problem is, I feel so guilty. I haven't forgiven myself. All the past problems seem silly when something like this happens. I'm starting to have a whole new perspective on life in general. Especially how to treat people. It's true, life is short and it's wise to really make the most of the time you have with people, especially your own family.

Dad had told me that mom's heart wasn't beating properly which was why she can't come home yet. I questioned my aunt about that because dad was so vague and she told me that mom's heart was beating to fast. The meds weren't slowing her heart rate down any so they had to shock her heart to slow it down. That was yesterday. All I know from dad is she was totally whipped out from it and wanted to sleep. Instead the nurses got her up for her walk.

I had given dad my cell phone number because he said he couldn't reach me on my home phone. I asked my aunt about that because she had no problem calling me. She seems to think maybe they are a little confused. I don't know. I did ask her when she's there this weekend to call my home phone from dads to see if she can get through. Anyway, I had trouble sleeping last night and I heard my cell phone ringing in the other room. It rang twice. First thing I thought of was something happened to hubby since he wasn't home from work yet. When I checked the number and saw it was unavailable, I immediately thought something happened to mom and dad was calling. I was so upset I actually had an upset stomach. I called hubby at work and he didn't answer. I waited and waited and when he didn't come home, I called again. This time he answered. He wasn't the one who called. My cell never rang again after that. I considered calling dad, but thought better of it. If it was dad he would have left a message or tried again. Maybe that's why today is such an off day. That and the phone call to my aunt. My aunt wants to be there when mom gets home so she's going to stay until I can get there in July. Her plans are to go every weekend until mom gets home. She's bringing a couple of my cousins with her this weekend, so I'm staying put. There will be to many people in the house and to many visitors for mom. She's not allowed to many people at one time just yet, and I'm still not handling this very well yet, so maybe it's best to stay away until she's stronger and I've got a better grip on my emotions. Last thing I want to do is upset her.

I've gotten mom and card and when I talk to dad tonight I'm going to get her info and tomorrow I'll send flowers and a little note. For now I need to read up on this and find out all I can and then look into their ins. I was asking dad questions about what their ins covers and stuff and he's clueless. Well, he's going to have to take a crash course on this and get informed. I will be to. I'm going to have to learn to navigate my way around their county and state and see what I can come up with. Now days you have to inform yourself because not a lot of people are willing to give info unless you ask the questions first.